As a bald guy, I am embarrassed. I’m truly embarrassed.
So to all you members of the hairy-headed community — especially you hairy-headed Floridians — please accept my apology for the behavior of Gov. Rick Scott.
Members of our bald brotherhood are supposed to be better than this.
After all, we are the group that brought you William Shakespeare, Shel Silverstein and Charles Barkley. Not to mention — even though he wouldn’t admit it publicly — Frank Sinatra. Gov. Scott is simply not adhering to the very high standards that most of us try to uphold as bearers of baldness.
This is especially glaring as we mark the beginning of Sunshine Week here in Florida. No modern governor has done more to dishonor the spirit of Sunshine State sunniness by skirting public records laws, deleting emails and by a persistent and cowardly refusal to engage in meaningful public discourse with citizens and reporters.
For a bald man who claims to be conservative, Gov. Scott looks a lot like liberal queen, Hillary Clinton.
Add to that last week’s shameful news that under Scott, a shady policy of state-sanctioned language has effectively banned terms like “climate change,” “global warming” and “sustainability” from state science.
Yes, our bald brotherhood is proudly the party of Captain Jean-Luc Picard. But that doesn’t mean we’re willing to scrap science for science fiction.
Bald brothers and hairy-headers, alike, will recall that when faced with questions about climate change, Gov. Scott previously and famously proclaimed that he is “not a scientist.”
That prompted actual scientists from our esteemed state universities to sit with the governor and school him on the very important and very real science of climate change, as well as the very serious physical and fiscal threats that it poses to Florida.
Despite that education, former employees at the Department of Environmental Protection and other state agencies have now reported an unwritten commandment that they shalt not speak of climate change. The governor has denied existence of the policy.
And maybe it’s not written on paper. But even if there is no “policy” carved into Scott’s stone tablets, the point is that he has created a creepy governmental culture where word-banning and selective science are allowed to fester. A poisonous culture is even more dangerous than a foolish policy.
We bald brothers possess an instinct for authentic conservatism. We don’t have hair. Why? Because we don’t need it. It’s excess. It’s wasteful. To us, hair is an oppressive and unnecessary entity hanging over our heads and dictating aspects of our life. We understand this: Hair does not define the individual — the head does. Therefore, the head must remain free and unburdened.
Clearly, Gov. Scott has completely lost touch with that sacred core of the bald brotherhood’s philosophy.
Being bald is about liberty. Government mandates on language are about control. Being bald is about freedom of the individual. State dictated science is about oppressive authority. You’d expect that from hairy-headed tyrants like Castro or Stalin. Not bald-headed governors like Rick Scott.
There’s already enough baldism in the world. We bald guys must hold ourselves to a higher standard because hairy-headers seek any unfair reason to discriminate against us. The glint of headlights on our foreheads. Our innately superior aerodynamics. Or the jealousy that stems from the well-documented fact that women secretly desire bald men. As the adage goes, once you go bald, you don’t go back.
We don’t need Rick Scott giving the world a justifiable reason to hate us.
Gov. Scott, if you can’t carry out the duty of baldness with honor, we’re going to have to ask you to either get a toupee or put on a hat. Because on behalf of the bald brotherhood of America, you are embarrassing us.
Original article here.